“I thought of walking in, smacking the first fool I saw, and taking a suspension like a badge. But that was just the voice of my intelligent armor. I was still a dreamer, if repressed, was still cupcakes and comic books at the core.” (116-1117)
This line interested me because it shows Coates at a crossroads. We’ve seen him begin to rise up from the outcast that he once was, becoming more confident as he learned. However, I think this is halfway point is important. It’s a feeling we are all familiar with as we step into a new role. There is an anxiousness to prove that you aren’t faking it, and yet that anxiousness only confirms a lack of authenticity. You feel that if you actually lived that role, you wouldn’t need to prove it to anyone.
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Usually, repressed connotes a negative restraint, yet Coates seems to speak of his transformation positively. I think this must contribute to his sense of falsehood, as he feels though the only way to survive is to hide who he really is. So that’s where Coates is right now, feeling the front of imposter syndrome, and it comes at a strange time in the book. It appears halfway through, and book feels about as aimless, there is no driving force behind the plot. It is as if the both the book and Coates are at their crossroads, and we are about to see what happens when they make the jump.
Looking ahead from the phrase, we know Coates is successful at continuing to put up his act. Now that he has crossed over, I wonder how the world will shift around him. IN trying to relate The Beautiful Struggle to Invisible Man, I keep thinking about the idea of awakening. Invisible Man is filled with moment where the narrator feels as if he has woken up, and this “rebirth” of Coates reminded me of that. I am curious to see if he falls into the trap of false awakenings, or if he somehow falls back to his inner