The main concern about the presentation is the structure. The structure is told in a non-linear style. While this style initially engages, after a while it becomes a bit more challenging to follow and it begins to feel too repetitive. The first half of the script flows much more easily than the second half of the script.
The writing style has an artistic flair, but it also makes the “readability” more difficult because there are simply too many scene transitions, too many characters, and the scenes feel as if they are repeating the same theme or message.
They also become much too surreal in tone. The second half almost feels like one long hallucination. After awhile this dilutes the emotional impact for the audience.
It would benefit the script to try to make the
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Later, the script can take on a more artistic style when filming or editing.
The contradiction regard detox vs. addiction works well, except that the script transitions too many times and it doesn’t always feel focused on the goal, so it’s very easy to get lost.
All the women in Jack’s life foster Jack’s addiction. There’s Haverty, Alene, and Esperanza. The problem is that they all convey the same message. Jack gets obsessed with a woman, they encourage his drug use, and then they leave or “abandon” him (like his brother).
Consider focusing on one woman, his obsession with her, and how she fosters his addiction. This will narrow the focus and the script. Trying to show his addiction with various women is just too confusing.
Also consider narrowing his story with his friends. Maybe focus more on Burroughs and Allen rather than Neal. Narrowing the focus, gives the opportunity to develop his relationships with them more in depth. Right now the best relationships are with Allen and Burroughs.
Allen is Jack’s protector. They share great buddy chemistry. Burroughs challenges Jack’s writing and this creates good personal