Mask Insecurity

I have been told since a young age that I am strong. That I could face almost anything that came my way. I truly tried to believe this. I don’t see myself the ways that others do. Since kindergarten I have doubted my actions, no matter how small. I acted out to mask this insecurity. I blamed it on my absentee parents, which was slightly true, but not the whole truth. As the years grew forth my doubts grew at an alarming rate, but so did my efforts to mask them. I truly believed that if I helped others with their problems that mine would somehow disappear. I wasn’t entirely correct about this method. For years it worked, quite well actually, It was a win win situation. Friends got some good advice and I was able to escape the one thing that

This time was different. Things were said and feelings were hurt. I was hurt. That moment when I realized that she was gone, not physically but mentally, was one of the most challenging moments of my life. I didn’t know how to deal. I told no one the true effects that this had on me, I didn’t want pity. Even though I pitied myself. I stopped caring about school and started craving the time I had absolutely alone. Alone time for me was like crack for an addict. I began many unhealthy habits that I still have today, but I moved on, without truly dealing with it.
Eighth grade begun and I pushed some of the darker thoughts, but still I didn’t like myself. When I ever I had free moments I dwelled on what was wrong. My stomach was too big and my inteligentes were too low. Many felt the needs to point this out as well. They was barley a time where I could get a class where someone didn’t bring up my weight. Suddenly I felt branded by my weight that even though I ignored it, others wouldn’t. And at that moment I felt truly

So I started marching band, which is one of the happiest experiences of my life to date. Even though all the happiness I still had moments of self doubt and at moments thought that I was holding the whole group back from it’s potential. I however pushed the doubts down and moved on. Through the season though I had a plan, to finally talk about what was going on in my mind. By the time I final built up the courage to face my biggest fears someone close to me tried to kill themself. At that moment I decided that I would put what I have been feeling, for years, to the side to help a friend. I knew that this wouldn’t be a quick, but things got deeper and lasted longer than expected. At first I was sure I was so invested because it was a person that was extremely close to me, that my job at that moment was to be a rock and help at all cost. As time went on in the short months I realized that I had an ulterior motive. Though it sounds awful, I figured out what truly bothered me. I was jealous. Not that she had to spend a week in a mental hospital, but the fact that this person who had a fairly medium leveled life got everyone to listen to her. All the focus was on her and her problems. She talked freely and no one went against her. Even though all the madness is happening, I choose now to step