Personal Narrative Analysis

What does it truly mean to be healed? I spent 8 years believing that it meant I was able to move forward, to stop crying, and to learn to love and trust again, but I was wrong. Healing from a traumatic event is impossible if you can’t face it head on, accept what you did to contribute to it and forgive yourself. It all seems simple, however, when you bury the pain and refuse to look, it’s much easier to avoid the healing process all together and walk with blinders on that shield you not only from the pain of the past but the beauty of the present. 8 years after my first marriage ended I found myself ending a second relationship that closely mirrored the first. I questioned my sanity, I questioned my goodness, I questioned God, which finally

Those years drowned me in pain and sorrow that I never imagined I could feel all the while giving me 3 wonderful gifts that filled me with a love that I could never conceive of. Those gifts were my first 3 children and because of them I was determined to move forward everyday. I was now the only person that they had to clothe them, feed them and nurture them making my time so precious that I had little of it to spare on myself. At the behest of my family doctor I began to see a counsellor, I still recall the day she showed me the Violence Wheel, a chart formatted as a wheel that lists 8 behaviours that are common in abuse; my marriage landed, very strongly, in each one of the 8 behaviours. Until that point in my life I had not accepted that I was abused, and now I was forced to face the fact that I had indeed suffered in a very abusive relationship. This realization also gave me a new label, the one of the victim, this label is what I fought for the next 8 years. I refused to accept that I was a victim of anything or anyone, I was a survivor, I was a winner, I was strong, and I would prove it by moving forward and not letting the abuse affect me. With my head held high I shed the label of victim and became a conqueror of my past by beating it down so far that I couldn’t even recognise it when I began to repeat it. My second “marriage” (common law as

Many people will be quick to point out that abuse is not the fault of the victim and while that is correct, the choice I made to allow it to continue the first time and repeat itself the second time, was my fault. I understood that if I wanted to end the cycle, and avoid making the same mistakes again, I needed to accept my role in my own pain no matter how horrible it may have seemed. Behaviours such as the extreme need to please, the need to feel loved, and the extremely low self esteem I had were the leading factors, for me, that allowed me to allow myself to be treated horribly in relationships. If I only focused on how those men made me feel and what they did to me, it would teach me nothing of who I was and what I could do to change myself. This was perhaps the hardest part of my path, blaming others is so easy, hiding is even easier but facing your own demons can leave you feeling like a soaked towel being tightly twisted until there is no water left and it is wrinkled and dry. Once I could openly admit my faults, once I was no longer afraid that others would judge those faults and put all the blame on my shoulders, or shun me for being a horrible person, then and only then was I truly able to forgive myself and with that forgiveness, be truly