Yeah...in retrospect, I was probably going overboard last night. I was trying to experience Chicago for all of us, precisely because of our collective lack of exposure to the city, and to the mindset that enabled me to rediscover it. Last night was my attempt to bring this experience back to all of you so you could get a taste of it, and then be inspired to go check it out for yourselves. I was also trying to get Dad to think more outside of the box - so that he could enjoy life more, and so that he would permit us to enjoy it too, without being on-guard. Now that Dad trusts me more, I thought I'd take a chance with him...but perhaps it's still too early. I suspect he himself has felt limited for most of his life - like a flower trapped …show more content…
Unfortunately, I'm still upset with him, and it probably manifested last night. The more time I spend with friends who did not grow up inhibited, the more at a disadvantage I feel for not knowing the things that they do (about cultural references, social interactions, maintaining a healthy work-life balance, pursuing fun activities outside of the home, etc.). Also, I often feel like some of my friends and colleagues belittle me (unintentionally) for my passivity and my overall ignorance - and I often wonder whether things would have been different if Dad hadn't punished me for being assertive, or if he had trusted me enough to explore my environment. But I know that Dad is the way he is because he lives in fear. He has always questioned where he stands in our hearts, and fears that he will lose (or has already lost) our love and respect. And when you are afraid, it is easy to question the actions of others, to abandon trust, and to confine yourself and the people around you to a subset of the world where you can exert more control over your environment - I know, because I've succumbed to some of the same thought processes. For his sake (and for my own), I want to draw him out of his fear, so that we can both leave behind ignorance and become empowered, inspired, more fully alive - as I became when I was allowed to freely wander