I wish I could say my coach quitting was my first recognition of my team splitting up, but it wasn’t. Cancelled practices, losing streaks and bad attitudes all foreshadowed the breakup of the Travel Soccer Team I had been apart of for five years. Anger fluctuated throughout me after I heard the news, for I was losing not only long-time friendships and strong relationships with coaches, but soccer itself which had been my main outlet to perturbation since I was taught how to kick a ball. I knew I couldn’t let go of the sport. I had to search for a new team.
However, having played with the same group of girls since before puberty and certainly before my oh-so-indefinite-yet-hardly-evident confidence kicked in, I never came face to face with
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My passes were crisp, my headers were solid, but most importantly my humility shone through. The girls at the tryout however were different than those I had previously encountered and played with. Wealth as well as judgement among the other players was extremely evident, and these factors along with my feeble confidence suddenly flipped my state of mind. The “shine” in me had patently faded away due to a lack of confidence, and the next couple tryouts epitomized it.
At the end of the final tryout, the coach called me over and told me the news I dreaded to hear: I hadn’t made the team. I wasn’t shocked, but I was infuriated with myself for letting others get to me. Failing to make the team wasn’t necessarily devastating, for being on the team wouldn’t have brought me the happiness nor relief I wanted. Failing to make the team was however humiliating, for I let myself believe I wasn’t of greatness due to purely unrelated distinctions.
“Perhaps my skills are simply not up to par, maybe the coach noticed my weak performance, what if he just didn’t like me?” is all I thought the few days after his decision. Regret and anger followed my every move, and it was sickening. I needed to move on from the tryout, but more importantly, I needed to feel right about myself