This is a proposed TV pilot. The series follows the personal and professional lives of a music band and their lead drummer, Elvis. The idea of a show about a struggling band has a lot of appeal. Moreover, the series offers a likable central character. While there’s definitely a lot to like about the pilot, there are elements of the script that are worth discussing for possible revisions. First, the pilot features a clear, external goal and strong moral choices for the protagonist and the band to make. There's a ticking clock that creates nice anticipation and tension for Elvis and the band. The opening with Elvis as a 10-year-old boy sets up his fear of abandonment. After his father leaves, he seems to have found healing through music. …show more content…
The tone remains ambiguous vs. being a true comedy or not. There are genuinely funny moments (mainly the Roadie and Elvis peeing on the wrong car), but overall the story's tone is unclear. The laughs are mild. Thus, the audience expecting a comedy may not feel satisfied and an audience expecting a more serious show also will not feel satisfied. The overall show could use more witty one-liners and Elvis could be a stronger comedic character. For example in jail, maybe he writes or sings a really funny, but bad song. Maybe when he’s not allowed into the building to find Hartman, he has to find a way to sneak into the building. The idea of Patience breaking up with Elvis is a nice story choice for the pilot. It plays to the theme of abandonment and his obsession to hold on to people. It might, however, be funnier and more effective if Patience’s new boyfriend was a member in the current band, or a member of a rival band. Of course, her motivation to break up with him would probably change. However, this could add another nice layer of tension, conflict, and comedy. The current scene with Patience and her new “perfect” boyfriend adds to Elvis’ insecurity, but make sure Elvis is witty and sarcastic. Again, more tension can be created if the boyfriend is a rival. Patience actually is likable. She represents an on-going obstacle to Elvis' emotional …show more content…
He’s a bit confusing as a character. He wants them to sign rights away, but this isn’t well understood. The scene with Hartman and Liz Grimes doesn’t feel fluid. Liz hasn’t been a character in the show and so it’s a bit jarring to suddenly hear her reprimanding Hartman for his actions. It seems like it should be the role of another band member, who reminds Hartman of what a good guy Elvis is and what he had done for the band to trigger Hartman’s change of heart and attitude. A better choice as an antagonist might be Griffin and his band. In fact, the idea of a competition between bands might even be a better main storyline for the pilot in which they have to compete against each other. The ticking clock of coming up with a winning song still works, and then if they win, they have to decide to sign or not. The twist could be that they win, but then read the fine print about their rights being taken away and then they have to decide at the end to sign. They decide not. Given that the show is about music, make sure this is prominent in the show. A band competition would highlight this. The dialogue has strengths and weaknesses. Elvis’ VO is engaging and strong. It reveals information about his personality and about his moral