Understanding Insecure Attachment and Its Impact on Growth
School
Hong Kong Shue Yan University**We aren't endorsed by this school
Course
PSYCHOLOGY 100
Subject
Psychology
Date
Dec 11, 2024
Pages
6
Uploaded by MinisterLightningSandpiper41
I am a mature student who worked for a few years after my graduation of higher diploma of design. Throughout my working experience in church, I find out that I have a great enthusiasm to raise people’s awareness to maintain inner peace and have well emotional beings. Therefore, I have started studying again in 2024.Childhood and attachment styleMy earliest memory was that one night my sister was scolded by my mother and I was really frightened. Then I took a book from my school bag and pretended that I was studying in order to avoid being the next one. I was around 4 or 5 years old at that time. This image concluded how I grew up. Many nights my sister and I would be scolded or hit by my mother. There was even one time that my sister’s glasses were broken because my mother slapped her on the face. Growing up in an authoritarian parenting style (Baumrind, 1971), I was always nervous I would be punished and there were not many times that my mother would listen to me. As we were raised in a single parent family, my mother is the only parental figure image I got. When times were less stressful, she would take us to the park and play. My favourite time was when mum drew with me and taught me colouring. The relationship with my mother has affected me in character development. In the lesson, I found out that my attachment style was “insecure-ambivalent” (Ainsworth, 1979) as the care I received was inconsistent. According to the theory, if the parental care is inconsistent, the child would result in anxious and insecure characteristics. I sense that in my adulthood, I tend to doubt that people might not really want to establish relationship with me and it feels like an involuntary urge inside that I want to feel absolutely safe in the relationship so that they would not abandon me. Yet I am not able to express my feelings and needs so I would sometimes try to please people to secure the relationships and sometimes be so distant. For example, if my friend forgets the date we arranged, I will tend to overreact and think that my friend does not treasure me. I also often feel tired of fear and anxiety about whether my friends really love me. It could also be difficult for me to observe boundaries.
Academic performance and personalityBesides the family tension, I think my academic result in primary school also was one of the factors that shaped who I am now. According to Erikson’s Psychosocial Theory, it is to develop the ability to learn and understand different things in order to develop the virtue of “industry” in 5 - 13 years old (Erikson, 1950). However, I was not able to study well because my family at that time could not afford having tutorial classes and there was no time for my mother and sister to teach me how to do homeworks. A sense of inferiority was deep rooted in me as I always failed my tests. I still recall the helplessness when I looked at my grades when I was in primary 4th grade, because probably my mother would punish me that night. As a result, the factors of family tensionand academic performance shaped my personality as a bit timid, feeling that I am more inferior than others and insecure in relationships. In terms of my low self esteem and attachment issues in relationships, I would like to review them more in my individual counselling sessions, in order to tackle the root problems effectively.Identify unhelpful thinking styleWith the help of my friends and religion, I have been going through the process of healing the insecurities and negative self images I had in primary school and family. My friends always help me to combat my unhelpful cognitions (Burns, 1989) by sharing withme what they have observed of my thinking pattern. David Burns was an early student of Aaron Beck. Later he expanded on Beck's original list of cognitive distortions, using the term ‘Unhelpful thinking styles’ to describe them. There are several unhelpful thinking styles that often affect me. Firstly, I notice myself having the mindset of ‘all or nothing’, Ialways had a thought that I had to get good grades in all subjects then it would be normal.If my exam did a little bit worse, I would be utterly upset and feel that I did so badly. Also, I can see the mindset of ‘mental filter’ in my thinking pattern too. It has not been easy for me to notice my success and hard work over failures. One of my close friends shared his view with me that sometimes I put too much attention on what I could not achieve. It took up too much of my energy, even to an extent I probably could not finish the next task.
Afterall, the most difficult to handle is ‘personalisation’. As I mentioned above, setting boundaries is not easy for me. In the relationships with my family and friends, I often feel weary as I worry about if I am to be blamed for something that happens even though that may not be my responsibility. There was a time when I rejected my friend to eat out because I was too tired. Later she was so angry with me. I felt like I needed to apologize and I was so stressed out about how to compromise for securing the relationship. Yet I found out I actually just expressed my need and there was nothing needed to be sorry for.Reflective mind and listening attitudeTo tackle the anxiety and frustration that unhelpful thinking styles bring up, by reflecting what beliefs I am holding inside really helps. For example, is it really true that having perfect and great results is better than trying my best despite of unsatisfactory outcome? What values I want to embrace? To what extent should I compromise in order to love my friends but not out of fear to please them? I would reflect on similar questions If I notice myself dwelling in the unhelpful thinking styles. Then I would share what I discover more of myself with my friends so that they could verify me or offer me more perspectives to review the situation.I consider having a reflective mind and listening attitude are my strengths. Although not all the feedback and observations from my peers are accurate, I would listen through first. It is because I treasure what I can discover more through multiple perspectives and diverse opinions. They could be useful for problem solving. Also, I think my strength could help me become a counsellor to listen intently so that I could provide a more comprehensive feedback to clients. When they know that they are being listened to, I believe they would feel understood too.Fixed and growth mindsetWhen I learnt this theory in the lesson, I felt that the fixed mindset related to me a
lot. According to the fixed and growth mindset (Dweck, 2006), people with a ‘growth mindset’ believe that they can change their abilities through hard work, while people witha ‘fixed mindset’ believe that people's abilities are innate and cannot be changed no matter what.I can see that my limitations are so similar with the description of the fixed mindset. Such as avoiding challenges and feeling threatened by the success of others and viewing myself as a failure. Most of the time when I face something new, I tend to feel powerless because I cannot learn it fast. Also, it exhausts me to adjust the fear inside when I see my peers perform better than me. Instead of learning from them, I would drain myself from the comparison and be anxious that I do not know how to be more competitive.Therefore, one of the ways to maintain my mental health is to develop the growth mindset, which describes an attitude to learn and not to jump to conclusions when a learner faces obstacles or makes mistakes. It provides me another angle to see what growth is and how I shall review my process of learning. What I lack now is just a room of improvement and directions of learning. I acknowledge there are potentials in me to grow. Others’ achievements could be my inspiration.Build up my stress toleranceAs aforementioned, I am learning to control my unhelpful thinking style and identifysocial support from friends and church group. I have also learnt that meditation and inhaling exercise are beneficial to release pressure. I would spare a moment after school to make room for my mind to rest, instead of scrolling through my phones, there is 5 to 10 minutes for mindfulness practice, stop thinking and concentrate in the present. Sometimes I could feel that my breathing becomes so short and shallow in the midst of writing reports or preparing for midterms, that’s when I would pause and practise the 4-7-8 breathing exercise.Before my study in Shue Yan University, I finished a counselling session that lasted for half a year. Another way to maintain my mental health is to evaluate and observe when I might need another appointment with the counsellor. Besides, I have met up with
my mentor from church monthly. Listening to her observations and guidance could help me to deal with the problems I have now. But more importantly, through her I can learn toappreciate myself and my efforts. Moreover, by sharing my setbacks and mistakes with her, it is getting easier for me to accept my limitations and I am not as ashamed as the past of my own faults now. I am planning to apply for a dance class again during the semester break. Besides, it could release neurotransmitters like dopamine and endorphins to help me stay motivated and in a better mood. I think it helps me with the comparison and fear of making mistakes. In each lesson, there is a set of choreography we need to learn and perform it within 90 minutes. There are students of different levels, what I can learn and choose is toenjoy the moment and not to compare. This trains my concentration to spend my attentionon myself. Although it is not academic related, learning a new skill can help me strengthen the skills of listening, observing, goal setting and creativity too.ConclusionI would like to learn how to provide empathy and unconditional positive regard to myself now first so that I could offer the same to my clients later. I see being a counselloras a professional and meaningful career and the need for this profession is rising in Hong Kong. The learning experience in Shue Yan University is impactful and rewarding. It provides me with a new insight that there are multidimensional and multidirectional perspectives in holistic and well emotion beings. There could be several approaches to understand and cater to a person in need. The past 12 weeks have laid a solid foundation for me to pursue my enthusiasm and belief, that every human being has the capacity for change and growth with proper aid and resources.
ReferencesAinsworth, M.D.S. (1979). Infant-mother attachment. American Psychologist, 34, 932– 937.Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology Monographs, 4.Burns, D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook: Using the New Mood Therapy in Everyday Life. Harper-Collins Publishers.Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.Erikson, E.H. (1950). Childhood and society. W.W. Norton & Co.