APATHY presents as a compelling crime thriller. The tone is gritty and dark. The script offers intriguing and complex characters. The stakes are deadly. Crime thrillers are very marketable and there’s a faithful audience.
Overall, the first 30 pages hook the audience to the story.
With that said, there are areas worth discussing for possible revisions.
The opening scene with the old man and Paul sets the tone and nicely builds anticipation and suspense. It’s clear Paul is a creepy “salesman”. The audience knows that he’s manipulating and defrauding the old man, but the shooting comes as a nice surprise. There’s nice subtext in the dialogue like, ”You are a prime candidate.”
However, if length or time is a concern, the scene could begin with
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The other concern about the first 30 pages is the character of Kate. She feels very inconsistent throughout the first act. She’s resistant at first, which works well, but then she becomes weak (page 29) and gives into Paul. It’s a confusing and unflattering portrait of her.
As mentioned, Ben is an intriguing character. He’s clearly flawed and has inner conflict and it will be interesting to see how he develops. However, by this point in the script the audience should have a better understanding of Ben’s goal, not Paul’s goal. It’s Ben’s goal that should drive the story. Remember, his inner struggle should also conflict with his actionable goal.
Paul is a cold-blooded killer, who displays “apathy.” He easily manipulates others. One can feel that he can’t be trusted. He makes for a good foe.
Victor, at this point, isn’t as well understood regarding his motivation. Make sure this is revealed in the script. One assumes the “Mystery” man will also be revealed.
The dialogue is consistent with the characters, but as stated the scenes tend to rely too much on dialogue, which slows the pace and diminishes some