MIDNIGHT SENTINEL presents as a character driven drama. The tone is dramatic and the first act offers potentially intriguing and complex characters. There’s also a hint of a supernatural element to the script.
The concern about the first 30 pages is that it doesn’t setup the story, based on the logline, quickly enough. Currently, it’s really unclear what this story is about. While there’s a hint of the supernatural, it’s not well-defined. The story presents more like a drama about a photojournalist reinventing his life and going back to Vietnam, while his new bride waits for him.
In fact, at times, it feels more like John Striker’s story and not Maria’s story. This is only because Striker has more of a goal by going back to Vietnam.
Beginning
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Right now it feels more like a true drama. There’s quick hint on page 14 about the supernatural, but it’s not clear enough to the audience if this is the dust or a true apparition, which maybe the intention (and can work), but by the end of the first act the audience needs to clearly realize this is a supernatural story. Normally a supernatural story would open with a supernatural …show more content…
Thus, he might die by page 10 or 15. Then, by the end of the first act (around page 20 to 30), the introduction of the spirits should be considered.
Make sure the audience understands the goal and what Maria is supposed to achieve.
Identify the stakes for Maria. Clarify what’s at risk. It’s unclear, now, what her goal is, what the stakes are, and what will drive act two and three.
The professional formatting can be stronger. Scenes are overly descriptive. This slows the pace. Pages are too “thick” or dense with descriptions.
It’s not always easy to follow the actions or the conversations.
Suddenly the story shifts to new characters, Conroy and Kelly, but it’s not clear how they are connected to the main plot.
Consider if meeting Striker’s boss is relevant. If not, cut.
On a smaller note, Charles is introduced twice. Avoid camera shots if this is a spec script.
In summary, while the characters feel intriguing, the plot isn’t clear enough yet to understand what the story is about, as the goal isn’t yet defined, and the direction is unclear.
In addition, there’s very little compelling tension that drives the first act. Currently, there’s no anticipation or feeling that something horrible is about to