Dorian Gray Monologue

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was man. Man was good… most of the time anyway. There was no war! There was no evil! There was no country music! We were a peaceful kind, living in peaceful harmony. But one day, everything changed. Bam! Bang! One thing happened after another, and basically everything went as badly as you would expect for a bunch of self-aware, free-thinking mammals. This guy died, this guy spontaneously combusted, and most people just layed down and didn’t wake up. Nowadays, we call that Monday. But why did everything go wrong? What happened? As to quote the genius Oscar Wilde, author and philanthropist extraordinaire, “Yo momma so dumb she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.”

So far, we’ve unveiled the uncouthness of the unseemly B.C. with the pre-historic putdowns, and the ungainly Golden age of the Elizabethan era. Let’s finally distinguish the most disreputable, degenerate of our known history. Who in the world could be the emperor of enumerated impertinence? Who could bring empires to their knees with just the lash of tongue? Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde, author of “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, was a renowned Irish playwright and wit who wore fur coats in public, had catty feuds with other poets, and just went around generally acting so flamboyant that he was ultimately put on trial and imprisoned for it. His works and legacy are still going strong, despite tremendous efforts to silence his indecency in his own time. Although, he is still occasionally confused for actor Gene Wilder, probably because he 's as close to Willy Wonka as any living humans have ever been, but he’s not. He’s also not Liberace and Elton John, so you can just stop while you’re ahead. Lewis Morris was another poet and friend of Oscars who wasn 't nearly as awesome and has therefore rightly been forgotten. It seems Mr. Morris was a bit of a Kanye, as one evening found him complaining to his friend Wilde about narrowly missing being appointed Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom. In fact, as it’s probably his association with Wilde that cost him the appointment, we should imagine the complaints to be suitably passive-aggressive. At the time, Wilde was probably writing up his legal defense, which ended up being so eloquent it was later adapted into a popular play. Here’s the play by play of how it happened: Morris