Growth In God Through Grief By C. S. Lewis

Growth in God Through Grief

In between the pages of this sacred journal of C.S. Lewis’, he dives into the depths of losing the one he was closest to, his wife. This journal is doubtlessly his most vulnerable book, because it is his direct life experience, and he does not hold back. C.S. Lewis slowly works through his pain and describes his experiences going through the process of grief. He is a man of faith and writes a fair amount about God in this book, but it is not all hopeful. Untangling his grief also makes him question his faith due to circumstances. He shares so much confusion, pain, fear, anger, loss, and many questions. Lewis’ doubts about God cause him to ultimately grow in his faith amidst his grief.

Even before his wife's

In the beginning, he explains how God felt like a slammed door, but near the end, he states, “And so perhaps with God. I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can’t give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs.” He is moving on from doubts in the confusion to slowly untangling his grief. This is a big moment of revival in his thoughts. He now starts to see how God was always near, but Lewis’ own pain caused him to shut out God. By starting to realize he was relying on his own thoughts and feelings, he was able to better let go and surrender to God. When he stopped thinking about H as much, he starts thinking more of “the merciful good sense of God.” He starts to focus on God more, and as a result of that, he says that his wife seems to meet him everywhere. Lewis realizes that God knows plans before we do, and he does not give us the pain to test us, but to strengthen us. A large piece of growth is proven when Lewis says, “Still there are two enormous gains…. Turned to God, my mind no longer meets that locked door; turned to H., it no longer meets that vacuum.” He recognizes that God is ultimately above all the pain and that God gave her to him for joy. He shifts away from doubt

There is regret in his heart about the order the notes of the journal were in: himself, about H, then about God. Shame arises when he sees the way he put God last when going through his grief. Further along in his journey, Lewis’ grief softens and his heart for God opens. God is always present even in our times of trouble and he draws near to us because of his immense love. The book ends with a touching line that says, “She said not to me but to the chaplain, ‘I am at peace with God.’ She smiled, but not at me.” The line essentially sums up the whole journal. Even though it is not Lewis himself speaking, the fact that H was at peace with God may be the central theme. He loved his wife dearly, and they both loved God while on earth. When she passed, he felt as if a part of him were missing. The fact that H left earth at peace with God shows the beauty of a relationship with God. The love God has for Lewis shines through all the pain he went through. Through it all, God's love