Kassandra Urquizo
Amie
Enlgis
Date
rought
It's All in my Head
I'm not sure when it started or when it exactly appeared. Maybe it's been there the whole time. I look back at my life and I catch glimpses of it. I should have seen it coming. I should have known something was wrong. It was the days I wish my mom accepted I just couldn't go to school. Or the day I begged myself to get up and do my homework, but just lied there cycling through my thoughts for hours. I never knew the reason I couldn't get through a morning. Even now I still question whether I am just being dramatic. Do I truly have depression and anxiety?
I can still hear my mother's voice in my head "You're just doing it for attention". She had to leave work early one day, my high school found out I wanted to kill myself. She threatened to take my nail polish away as if that would fix everything. As if
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My mother likes to think being away will make it worse. I on the other hand know that my depression isn't as bad when I am away. If it weren't for my University trying to get rid of me, my depression was in the best condition. I was seeing a weekly counsel, getting medication, and going to class. I was finally becoming the student I always strived to be. Most importantly, I did not have my mother making my anxiety peak every time I tried to get help for my mental health. I know I need to help managing it again. I have begun to notice my patterns. Getting up in the morning is embarrassingly the only thing I can handle. I wake up then just lay there for hours. Everyone always says I just need to get up and eat breakfast or take a shower. That’s not the way it works. I just can’t get up. I argue with myself all morning telling myself if I could just get up I could do something. IF I could just get up I could do my homework or clean my room. But I can’t. It’s as if there is an imaginary weight in my head, too heavy for me to lift. There is so much to do, I