Personal Narrative-First High School

It is the anger I felt, building inside me when I was pushed down in kindergarten. It is the color of lipstick worn at my first high school dance mimicking how I was feeling: daring. It is blood rushing out of me, knowing it is something a band-aid will not fix. It is the color of my bloodshot eyes after crying for hours on end, wanting to be taken out of the misery I am in, hopeless and alone. It is my cheeks after having the attention for one minute too long. It is a wildfire, or how I felt like a wildfire, with the feeling seemingly spreading all over me without any sign of stopping or being put out. It is the fury I feel inside, but it is either nothing at all or all at once, underwhelming or overcoming, asleep or wide awake. It is a face,

Like the sky during a tornado watch… it was unsettling. I looked at it and it made me sick. The feeling of caution, of worry. Unstability. Me. Was I stable? Am I too cautious? Is my mind decaying slowly each and every day? Yellow was making me sick. I had always viewed yellow to be this happy color. Made you feel warm and loved. Like laying in the grass, the clouds gliding by on a blue sky day, instead, I wanted to hide. It wasn’t cheerful. It was dull. Dingy. Like a dying plant that had been forgotten to be watered. It was right before the sunrise after an allnighter. Feeling tired and alone in the dawn light. It was disturbing. Green.
With envy? Envious of who? Those who get to live their life without the pain I experience, the mental fatigue I must power through, three hundred and sixty five individual, eternal days a year.
It is the balance I wish I could find in my life. It’s growth I wish I could encompass, growing into the best version of myself as time passes. Yet instead I am stuck. Stagnant. I cannot bring myself to find an attempt to grow, I want to stay where I am. It is a dark forest, with the tall winding trees entangling each other, a metaphor of my mind entangling me into a trance of my own thoughts. It is the grass that spreads across my backyard. The boredom I feel on a summer day. Laying down feeling the sun beat upon me, as the treetops frame the sky and I wait for the day to finally come to

The ocean waves thrash around me as I am drowning. Nobody notices. It’s the color of my eyes, becoming more dull as each day moves forward. It’s the glossiness of them as my tears fall onto the floor as I wish I could be ridden of the pain I feel inside. It’s the blue sky covered up by my dark curtains in an attempt to recreate the darkness I feel inside. It is the tranquility I yearn to have, with my mind bustling like New York City. Like an old fable, it’s royal blue representing trust. Do I trust people? Or do they see me the way I see myself? Slowly fading into the background. It is the blue greyish hue of the sky during a rainstorm, the thunder yelling down to Earth and the rain crying. I am a