Over the last week, there has been quite a bit of buzz about the tea/sexual consent metaphor that first appeared in early March on the blog Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess. The title of the piece is “Consent: not actually that complicated.” The piece is being called “the most perfect” and a “brilliant” sexual consent metaphor. While I couldn’t possibly agree more that consent is needed for sex, I’m troubled by the idea that it is as simple as offering tea. While it’s wonderful to see the idea of consent represented as the incredibly simple concept it is, the tea metaphor doesn’t actually pan out so well when we look a bit closer at it. The tea metaphor for consent goes like this: Treat asking for sex like asking someone if they would like …show more content…
Certainly trying to get a sleeping person to drink hot tea could cause some burning, but it is not a violation. It is not the same as disregarding someone’s humanity and right to physical safety. Obnoxious and a little weird? Yes. The same as rape? Definitely not. We also need to remind ourselves that sex is unlike tea in the sense that it is not something that one person creates and serves to another person. The request for sex could be more one-sided like a tea party invite, but sex is, thank goodness, nothing like a cup of tea. Sex is an activity shared by two (or maybe more! you do you, group-sex folks) people, where there is creativity, mutual input, and many opportunities within a single scenario to share, play, and have a great time. I don’t even think the consenting tea-drinkers in the original piece drink it together! So when we’re talking tea, we’re not only losing the core of why consent is important, but we’re making consensual sex sound a lot less fun than I know it to be. We’re also ignoring the weight of the consequences for proceeding without consent. Let’s be real: Someone insisting that you drink tea with them is odd and annoying, but it’s not a violent and traumatizing