My world stood still as I was told. Everything had stopped spinning except for me. My heart plummeted as I heard those dreaded words wearily slip out of my fathers trembling mouth. My whole world really did seem to be crashing down around me. I was not ready yet, not ready to hear those words, not ready to say goodbye.
As a young child I was oblivious to the harsh reality of life. I was naive to think that no one would ever leave me, that no one would become ill, that no one would struggle, that no one would slip away. I rarely had realistic thoughts, but when I did I convinced myself I would have plenty of time before things would happen. I wish I could tell myself how wrong I was thinking.
The words my father had said to me just
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The pain that was endured. The disappointment of not getting better. Visiting hours at the hospital. Not sharing a goodbye hug as the frailness was daunting. I knew I needed to forget these, but they were what played over and over in my mind, the rest were just a distant memory.
I wish that I could of had a proper goodbye, that I could of had a hug and said I love you. The guilt and regret that I didn’t cuts me down inside. I couldn’t bring myself to face the the fact that one day they’re there, the next day they’re gone. Gone without any warning, without a good night kiss, without a good bye. But I was determined to get my goodbye, to finally be able to let go properly, my heart demanded it.
The day had come, the funeral. My first ever. As I was being escorted my hands were shaking, my eyes filled with tears ready to fall onto the apples of my cheeks, and the top layer of my lip was being repeatedly and nervously bitten off. I didn’t know what to expect, whether I would be deeply moved and reassured or if I would find it daunting and overwhelming. As I walked into the room with my family and took a seat in the front row my heart was pounding out of my chest. The hymn cards read ‘in loving memory.’ That itself set me off, that one day everyone will just be a memory as the world moves gracefully on without a