On this, our nation’s birthday, I hope you’ll enjoy this fractured chronicle of American history composed entirely of certified, genuine, authentic, unretouched student fabrications. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Christopher Columbus discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic Ocean on the Nina, the Pinta Colada and the Santa Fe. Columbus knelt, thanked God and put the American flag in the ground.
Later, Jamestown was discovered by King James the One. The Pilgrims crossed the ocean in hardships. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past their knees, and the girls wore funny bonnets. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Decoration of Independence, which says that all men are cremated equal and are well endowed by their creator.
George Washington led the United States to what it is today, while Ben and Dick Arnold were terrible traitors. Washington crossed the Delaware River, married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people have the right to bare arms.
The two greatest marshals of the Old West were Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup. General George Custer extinguished himself at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his very own hands. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s