To Whom it concerns, or rather, who cares to actually read this.
I’m really tired… I’ve been trying to hold it together for some time now… I’ve loved every moment with you guys, but sometimes the pain is much more real than the love felt. Don’t think that this is your fault. I sit here thinking how weak I am and remind myself just how stupid I was to think that I was helping any of you… Friends, family, strangers…. Just typing this is making me think about the selfish life I’ve lead. Where did things go wrong? Why am I feeling this way? Am I just crying out for attention or am I just sick in the head? I hope one day you look on this and laugh. I was never your “perfect son” and I’m sorry I never lived up to that expectation. I pressured myself into thinking that I could do anything if only to please you all… I can’t continue living a lie. I’m tired of this life. If I could trade it with someone more deserving of life, I would. Every fiber of my being wants to change everything, but I think I’m past feeling anything anymore… Hopefully the end will bring me my solstice…
To Nolan;
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I admired you for being who you were. You were never afraid to go against the grain and with style. You are going places but you already know that. I remember being there when you were born and I thought to myself, “Thank goodness it’s not a little sister!” To be completely honest, I kind of saw myself in you but at the same time I saw what I wanted to become. But you and I are different people, and I’m never going to amount to how much you’ve accomplished. Sorry for leaving you with nothing but terrible memories and long lectures… I beg you to just forget me… Forget those late nights, forget those moments of anger I had. I was never the brother you deserved or needed. I was really a horrible person, wasn’t