Fast Food Satire

From the oozing bacon wrapped doughnut for breakfast, to a double-meat burger blanketed with mayonnaise and the side of French fries for lunch, and finally a salad ornamented with a full all food groups and drenched with Ranch dressing, fats imprison Americans every waking meal of the day. In fact, they seldom pass by a drive-thru without the obligation to fulfill the needs of their enslaved stomachs. Finally, when they wipe these essential oils onto a napkin, their body is already aching for another dose. With every meal, these poor inmates are steadily cutting off years of their lifetime, sucking the funds to cure real epidemics rather than a self-inflicted obesity. After many years of collaborating, analyzing a hefty amount of data, Big

In a recent interview, officials claim they will imprison the fast food employees for their seducing advertisements that leave their audience drooling for a bite of food they can practically smell. With such an irresistible flavor, scientists all agree there must be a secret addictive ingredient these restaurant chains use to lure in consumers. During their penitentiary time, these convicts must gather waste they created in every creek and crevice of America. Not only will the employees be punished, but the obese individuals must pay a hefty fine for supporting such a crime. Those individuals who are not obese will have no way to become overweight, because the government is also banning all sales of oil for human consumption. Lack of fat, doctors assure, results in eradication of obesity and healthy, happy, everlasting society. However, officials assure there still will be access to processed foods and pre-made

As the frequency of obesity decreases, the medical bills will also dwindle. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control stated that an average of $147 billion dollars was spent on overweight individuals. Instead of feeding money to the obese, funds can assist an actual epidemic, not just a self-inflicted issue. Doctors claim eating healthy, automatically results in healthier habits such as an increase in exercise. Instead of counting pizza slices, consumers will begin counting miles, releasing endorphins that make them tolerable. The increased revenue flowing into the United States economy from the obesity fines will slim down the major budget deficit in America. With a surplus of money, the government can increase employment, improve road systems, and promote children’s education. Now, vehicles can also absorb this excess banned oil that was once consumed by humans. With just a few modifications, scientists can make consumer’s cars run on their oil, rather than their bodies, reducing the amount of time spent walking. While such law will promote overall health of individuals, country, and world, one can expect riots resulting from those suffering with an addiction to fast food. Unfortunately, fast food employees will be incarcerated and separated from their loved ones. The government must be ready to supply another source of food that is just as satisfying, addictive, and inexpensive