I clenched my stomach as we drove down the road. My eyes focused on one star in the sky, I knew if I pulled my eyes away my insides would be out and exposed to everyone. My cheeks stung from tears and my breaths were short as we drove to my church. as we pulled up it took me a while to open the car door, my hands were shaky and weak. friends hugged me and cried as I buried my head into their shoulders, the little light of hope I had left in my heart was burning out and I could feel it. I could see it as the storm clouds rolled in, as the thunder crashed and almost echoed my feelings in the sky. I felt vulnerable to life for the first time that night. As I descended down the stairs to join the rest of the group that was meeting to pay I heard …show more content…
It was as if she said it to warn others of the words that I was going to be hearing, warn others of the hurt I was going to be feeling and of the challenge my life would become. She took me outside and put her hands on my shoulders as if she was going to be the one that needed the help to stand up. I looked at her and watched as her tongue said his name. I fell to the ground my knees buckled and my heart sank deeper than it ever had. Almost as if the hurt before this was only digging a hole to the endless tunnel of pain and regret and sadness i would fall into tonight. My hands held my face but not like I wanted him to in that moment. The ground held me above ground when all I wanted to do was sink as deep as I knew he would be buried that week. But i couldn't. I was living. There was a time I did not sleep no matter how hard I tried until that was all i ever did. Music turned the numbness of it all into a sharp pain like a punch in the stomach reminding me of words I never said and words I never meant. Nights were spent screaming at my ceiling at god and at him reliving over and over and over how easy it would have been how much pain he could have saved me...if only he had remembered to buckle his