Relational Dialect Theory

“Dan in Real Life” is a romantic comedy from 2007 starring Steve Carell as “Dan,” a single parent and love-column journalist. The movie capitalizes on Dan’s misfortunes as he visits his family on a week-long trip. Though initially Dan is oblivious, his very first conflict arises when he meets a woman named “Marie” in a public library. After Dan helps Marie find several books on the topic of love, she agrees to go with him for some coffee and desserts. After hours of laughing and storytelling, Marie announces she must leave because she is actually already dating someone else. Before she goes, Dan still manages to get her number, and when he returns to his parents’ house, he briefly describes to his brothers his encounter with the woman. He also

The central problems of his life come from his inability to communicate with his family and his lack of self-disclosure. Dan’s concerns with the relationships that he creates and the others he attempts to rekindle can be explained with one simple theory: Relational Dialect Theory, which—according to Think Communication by Isa N. Engleberg and Dianna R. Wynn—“focuses on the ongoing tensions between contradictory impulses in personal relationships” (p. 137). The theory distinguishes three different dialectics: the integration-separation dialectic, the stability-change dialectic, and the expression-privacy

Dan desires a connection with his daughters but has trouble allowing them their freedom. This struggle for balance in Dan’s relationships with each of his daughters demonstrates the integration-separation dialectic. With Jane, the oldest, the issue at stake is her desire to drive and Dan’s desire to keep her in the passenger seat. While Dan thinks he’s protecting Jane from the all the reckless drivers and possible wrecks, he’s only pushing her away with his lack of trust in Jane’s ability to be alert and road-safe. Secondly, when Cara, the middle child, tells Dan she’s fallen in love with a boy named Marty after only three days, he scoffs and says that falling in love after three days is impossible. Ironically, later, he falls in love with Marie at (almost) first sight yet continues to refuse Cara’s request to be with Marty. Finally, Dan’s very first exchange in the movie with Lilly, his youngest, exemplifies an assumption that she is too young to think and act freely. Walking into Lilly’s room and finding her packing by herself for the trip, Dan—with a mild tremor in his voice—says, “Hey, I was going to do that for you later.” Lilly replies, “Now you don’t have to,” and Dan hesitantly says, “Okay,”