Personal Narrative: How Eating Changed My Life

Often in life, we cannot conceive of our future self, until we step into the role. Perhaps it may be different for others but for me, whenever I have tried to envision my future self, the reality has seldom met my expectations. Although, there remains one exception, the subject of eating. With a pile of heaped years belonging to an eating disorder stuck to my resume, I was convinced, whatever happens, whoever I become, nothing would change my connection to food. My relationship to eating would always be tainted, plagued and troublesome. At best, I could aspire to be an obsessive healthy eater living on nuts and foliage, meanwhile, warning others of the dangers of whatever they ate (which I secretly wished I could). At worst, well I tried not

My preference was an immediate cut and based on this approach, my daily mantra was the repetition of, tomorrow I would stop, end the nonsense of my eating disorder and for more than a decade, I brainwashed myself into believing it might happen. Although I should reveal, my daily promise contained a clause. I would stop but only after losing weight. I needed to lose weight to live again, to be the person trying to get out but locked inside. Ironically, this quest was perpetuating why my life had stagnated. As for stories of recovery, I was sceptical. My own failings demonstrated the futility of trying to escape. Can you be free of the devil who holds your hand with every mouthful? In terms of stopping, I tried medication, cognitive therapy, psychotherapy, group therapy and even religion but the drive to lose weight was relentless. So, how did it end? How can I sit here today, as fully recovered from an eating

Years as a patient with an eating disorder clinic, when I signed off, they asked me how I did it, recover. My reply was to travel, which I had but was it the cure? This was not the first time on the road, numerous times I had jumped on a plane abroad, yet my eating disorder followed me. Perhaps the man I met helped me. Though, with previous attempts regarding men, my eating disorder only served to sever any possibilities. Was it the supplements, the 5-HTP, fish oils and multivitamins I took to bolster nutrition. If there was a clear-cut answer to achieving the seemingly impossible full recovery, I would share but there is nothing specific. Maybe a multitude of different aspects came together, helping me recover and live