After writing that essay for English, I’ve realized that I’m not okay about the deaths of Johnny and Dally. I’m not used to not having them around anymore, I think the other guys are doing okay, but I can’t handle this. I wrote my essay on the memories and important events that occurred when Johnny and Dally were still here. I wrote about the rumble, I wrote when Cherry and I first met, and, I wrote when Johnny was killed after the incident at the church. I never wanted any of this to happen, did I ever ask anybody to do this to my friends?
I miss them so much, it’s not the same to go to the lot alone and not with Johnny. I feel as if everything is my fault for the loss of both of them. I go to therapy now so I can finally tell someone my true feelings. I keep getting thoughts of hate and death in my mind, I’m thinking that if I join them everything will be okay. My life without them is not the same. It kills me everyday, I want to tell Darry, but I'm afraid he won't understand my feelings. I grew up isolating my feelings from anyone and anything. I will never be confident in who I truly am as a person. Is this what I was really meant to be? A washed up Greaser that doesn’t know how to control his own
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I keep telling my therapist that I have nightmares of self harm and me killing myself, but he says that’s just my mind’s way of telling me, I’m not okay. I see my therapist everyday, and nothing I tell him makes me feel better. I realized all that I’m telling him, is that, my friends are dead, and I think it’s all my fault. I’ve tried to let go of all memories or images I have in my head of Johnny and Dally, but it’s just too difficult. I’ve had enough of everyone telling me I’ll be okay and that nothing bad will happen ever again. But, they’re wrong, wrong on so many levels, levels that are too hard to explain. I think I’m officially done with my life, this is how my ending is going to