Hi, i’m Jeffrey, a Mexican Jew who was blessed with the awesome job of being a security guard for El Shapo inc. My job is to help with the transporting and selling of “candy canes,” and that’s where my story begins.
This morning was the same as any other morning; wake up early, brush my teeth with vodka and crushed lifesavers, eat a healthy bowl of Fruit Loops and expired soy milk. At least, it would’ve been a normal day but my way to the “candy” lab I received a text from my boss, Phil. Phil was an evil conniving pile of dirt with no right to be a anyone’s boss, especially someone-who-had-the-name-Jeffrey’s boss, but there was one issue, the pile of dirt in question happened to be El Shapo’s brother-in-law’s, son’s, old friend’s, ex-roommate’s cousin, as well as the head of security. I considered myself a good driver but I knew I would get yelled at for not answering the text, so against my better judgement I pulled out my phone to check the message. It simply read, “Sup.”
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I hit the brakes giving the squirrel enough time to realize the danger and leap onto the hood of my LaFerrari (Did I mention that the selling and transporting of “candy” is a big business?) I was close enough to it to read the squirrels name tag, it read Detective Jon Sena, CEA (candy enforcement administration). Jon Sena then lept off the hood and dashed into a hole just off the road. I sat there for a moment, sure it was a hallucination, before driving the rest of the way to work. Little did I know, Jon Sena had just vowed a life debt to me, and wanted to repay it as soon as