“My aunt needs me there or we could go out of business,” is considered on the nose. Saying, “What could it be?” is also on the nose. Avoid having a character overly talk to one’s self: “Why am I here? (on the nose). In 1935? Why the dressmaker’s wedding dress…” It sounds a bit unnatural. Once Ava realizes no one knows what a cell phone in, don’t belabor the humor. She goes on to say “Iphone?” but by now she should understand they don’t know what an iPhone or computer is, but she continues to ask. On page 36, “Rebecca, your (typo: not you’re) sister?” can be cut. He should know whom she’s talking about. Remember to show vs. tell. There’s a strong a tendency to tell or explain information that the audience can’t see. Information needs to be conveyed in action, images, or dialogue. The descriptions also tend to be overly written. Saying Ava is an imaginative girl and that she has a face that makes a man weak has to be conveyed in the story. While sometimes a writer can get away with a description like this, it occurs in almost every character introduced. …show more content…
Asking: “is all of this a dream?” can’t be seen. Saying: “where she’s going is so different than San Francisco” isn’t needed. Let this lovely scene and the visuals convey the message. There’s no way for the audience to understand that Ava “realizes she’s also free to be who (typo) she’s born to