The Pool Monologue

Hello, and welcome to the pool. No, you can 't run around it. Just get in it. I don 't understand why kids love running around the pool. You can run on concrete at school. But you don 't have a pool at school. Just swim in the pool and be happy. Hey, don 't push her Because I said so. I 'm the lifeguard, and what I say goes. God damn kids, they never listen. I guess I didn 't listen when I was a kid either. I want to believe that their ears are filled with water, and that 's why they can 't hear me. But I don 't think that 's the case. Some of them wear earplugs, but most of them don 't. Hey, you 're standing too close to the filter. Swim in a little further. Yes, that 's better. Pools bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe

They can win at sports like all of the normal kids. I wonder if they spend extra hours in the bathtub. Pruny toes must seem like nothing when your legs don 't work. Scuse me, you can 't swim in the deep end. It 's adult swim only Well, when you 're an adult, maybe you can swim there too. Sometimes I put my toes in. It 's weird that I 'm a lifeguard and I don 't like to swim anymore. I 've been in all kinds of water. I went swimming in a pond one time with my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend now, but it wasn 't the ponds fault. We were naked. Almost. I was naked. She had on underwear. She was afraid of being naked because she had seen Jaws. Her underwear was red and white striped. I still get excited when I see candy canes. No, you can 't take that in the pool You can 't wear normal shoes in the pool. Put them over by your other things. Being a lifeguard at a community pool is a buzzkill with women. I go out sometimes, and they ask me what I do. And I tell them. Why am I a 34 year old life guard at a community pool? There are reasons. Why are you an intellectual property lawyer? There are reasons. You 're just as useless as me. But I never tell the women that, they 're sensitive. I don 't want to be mean. No eating in the

Fans of college basketball have awaited for this every year since the beginning of the season. The "Big Dance" is almost underway as 64 of the nation 's best basketball programs will compete for the national championship. Every year, the tournament has seen its share of upsets, glorious moments, and an electrifying atmosphere among college hoop fans. Who will be this year 's Cinderella? Who will reign supreme? You decide when you select who moves on and who goes home in your bracket. Now, I 'm not one who condones gambling or anything, but I once managed to win the grand prize in a bracketology contest a few years ago. The prize wasn 't money, but as a college kid, a gift certificate to a local pizza parlor was worth it. First off, it 's something that shouldn 't really be taken seriously. Predicting the outcome of sporting events should be fun and exciting for you and your fellow sports fanatics. Sure, there are websites and such where there are cash prizes. Have fun making your picks, while at the same time do your homework. Researching the match-ups is key in whose playing who. If you know the school 's program had a strong season and look to be national contenders, pick them over the obvious underdogs. If one has a sub par season, like Duke in 2006 when it came in as a sixth seed and lost to eleventh seed Virginia Commonwealth, it wouldn 't hurt to call it an upset if you think that