What’s the real reason why I’m still here? Why can’t I thoroughly go through with committing suicide? What’s stopping me? If I just ended everything right now, right this second I know no one would even care or notice. I just want to fall asleep and never wake. I don’t want to wake up to live another day that has no purpose. These constant emotionally draining thoughts ran through my head. It wasn’t a onetime thing, it was more of an everyday, all day type of thing. Depression wasn’t a joke, and it’s something no one should ever joke about. It hurts. And it sucks that people will never notice when you’re depressed. No one notices it until you do something serious like cut yourself or attempt suicide.
About a year ago, around the same month was when it all started. It started from something simple like a typical breakup and of course breakups always suck you know. It’s normal to be sad about losing someone you thought you were going to be with “forever”. As the weeks start going by, I wasn’t sad because of the breakup; it was more directed to me going through some personal issues. I reminisced about the time my aunts’ boyfriend tried raping me, my parents were constantly fighting during this time, my sister who was the person I loved more than anything in my life had moved to another state, and my best friend
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I would stop going to school, and even if I did show up I would just leave. I felt like there wasn’t a reason why I should be in school if I wasn’t putting in any effort. I would leave and just walk around; I would just think, think and think. It was starting to get a lot more serious when I would leave to do drugs, I started with the smoking and the pill popping. It stayed like that for a while. I believed it was something that made me feel better. The feeling of me being high was the best thing for me. But it stopped working, it wasn’t enough anymore so the suicidal thoughts