First, what is lust? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection--you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be--rather than seeing the real person inside.
Many other people face the same issue today. Some blame gender politics, job stress and cultural changes. Others, more cynical, point to the monotony of the love life of our parents and grandparents. But these plausible (and socially acceptable) explanations obscure a more disquieting truth. Sex, and more importantly, intimacy, are grown-up skills, and most of us, metaphorically speaking, are still in JC. Society is still trying to cling on the idea of romance, when real intimacy requires something a lot more difficult: pushing past your own limits to become a more fully developed human being. However, in the modern world we live in today, with the younger generation too inexperienced in society to tell the difference, is this even
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It 's at this point, where the conflict between real intimacy and wishful thinking comes, that many of us notice everything isn 't what it used to be. You might be thinking that this is the beginning of the end, Schnarch says it 's often when things finally start to go right. It means marriage is beginning the relentless process of doing what it 's supposed to do, nudging us away from the unrealistic romance and forcing us to figure out who we are as individuals.
Real intimacy is frightening. It requires a kind of openness, honesty and self-respect that most of us aren 't used to. But Schnarch 's years of counseling couples has convinced him that it 's worth it. A truly intimate connection between adults is less volatile, because couples aren 't ticked off about what their partner is or isn 't doing to prop them up. It 's more solid, because it 's based on reality. "Ultimately, you get through gridlock and get to a place of more honest self-disclosure, where the focus is on being known, rather than being validated," he says.
And honestly, that 's how love should