Self Monologue

I am no stranger to depression, anger, and loneliness. I've been dealing with these emotions for years. They make it so hard to enjoy the little things. The birds, the sun, shit even just the fucking air I breathe. These emotions loom over in my head as if to let me know I can't escape, taunting me from my past present and future. And even when I am at my best, I still stand in their shadows. Is that really living?

Being so desensitized from years of apathy and bitterness. Watching as the small amount of creative will, the only thing that has ever kept me going and that I've so desperately tried to cling on to, disappears. The self doubt. The anxiety. I find no joy from creating. All I can do is destroy.

Years of abuse not only at the hands

It wasn't great but it was better than not doing anything at all. I then met some of the closest people to me from the girl who made me want to do nothing but isolate myself. It was toxic. but she was the first person to get me. around the same time I met another strong female figure in my life that I will call C. I was smoking weed one day by my house and C comes by and asks if I would smoke her out. Being a weird developing teenager I was ecstatic at the prospect. We smoked and exchanged numbers and she said she'd return the favor. I went to her house one day and that's when I started smoking meth and dealing. It was quick money and I felt like I knew what i was getting into. Jenna never really wanted me to hang out with anyone other than her or Amadeus. It quickly became this emotional drug fueled roller coaster of hurting each other. she felt jealous I was out and about with C and how secretive I was about it. I just didn't want her finding out the shady shit I was getting involved with. Throughout everything I truly did purely love the girl. But love ain't shit. She cheated on me with some guy named Jim at her work. Some 27 year old metal head from Florida. I was crushed. I

Who am I kidding. i was angry and hurt and all kinds of mentally fucked up. I stopped taking my depression pills and I think that helped a little but by then the damage was done. I had become a pathetic no life druggy. I had no friends. my parents were no help. They openly mocked me about her. my dad in particular had a lot of fun with it. I guess they were trying to cheer me up but they were just throwing right back into the dirt I was trying to get up from. I once again felt like I had no identity. It's as if the relationship had become my life. The music I managed to write during the time was pitiful. It wasn't sad or angry or any of the things I wanted it to be. It was just a reflection of how little I valued myself. I smashed my guitar and amp one night in a fit of depression. I wasn't good enough to do anything. I started going to LACC. Spent an entire semester not talking to anyone hiding from my parents smoking weed. In the mornings I would leave for school and not come back till night. I wouldn't do anything. I would wander the streets. I eventually got my car but then wandering the streets turned into aimlessly driving and getting high. I thought I did my best to move on. one day I realized that she didn't hurt me anymore. But the depression stayed. I don't know why. maybe I had found a comfort in it or maybe the years of isolation made it hard to think outside of the