Blasphemous Language

It is with much sadness that I regretfully inform you: the American language has morphed into a monster. What started off as a few harmless insults between friends quickly grew into something much larger and more dangerous than it was ever supposed to become. This monster grew and grew, harnessing the tongue and manipulating it to carry out its heinous deeds. Choosing youthful victims, this abomination attaches itself for life, continuing to grow as its host does. Soon the entire vocabulary of youth and adults alike is reduced to rubble, filled with pointless words; the sole purpose of which are to either offend another human being or cause them to feel uncomfortable. Recognizing the existence of this monster, the people determined that it

It has been said that blasphemous language is an invaluable tool through which people can express themselves, and I do not entirely disagree. For example: when I’m sitting on the couch and want to change the channel on the TV, but then realize that the remote is one the other side of the room. Or when I pour myself a bowl of cereal, but then realize that there’s no more milk. Or Lord forbid, when I’m flipping through a book and get a paper cut, and I swear on the life of my first born that that piece of paper was laced with liquid cyanide because I know I’m going to die. These situations are no doubt a daunting challenge, but I am able to emerge victorious without reverting to profanity. Another argument people use to justify the existence of profanity is the idea that words cannot hurt you, but I must respectfully disagree. I have in, fact, been hit with a particularly nasty piece of profanity before, and can personally testify that it is quite painful. This particular word slapped me across the face, punched me in the stomach, and kicked out my knee caps before going along its merry way. Profanity does however, have one pro; the ability to make you look unbelievably cool in front of your friends. For humans, the most empowering feeling in the world is knowing that if they mess up in front of

Soap in the mouth, perhaps the most well-known (yet ineffective) remedy is both a choking hazard and potentially toxic. What if Ralphie from A Christmas Story actually had gone blind due to soap poisoning?! Another classic; public spankings, were likely to cause the offender to die of embarrassment. And yet, the worst attempt at ending profanity by far was having the guilty party repeat what they had said in front of their ailing grandmother, in which case said grandmother was liable to scream scripture verses at her grandchild as she chased him/her around the house with a wooden