As I approached the doorway to my home I was barely holding on to myself by a thread and time felt as though it had stood stagnant. I was trying to walk through the door without completely losing myself to tears and misery because once I let go I couldn’t see the other side of the road; I couldn’t even drag myself down the road to find a path to some kind of happiness. In this moment so much going was through my mind, a lot of questions with no answers, and I felt worried, confused, scared, stressed, and I hated myself because I thought what happened was all my fault. All I wanted was to run into my boyfriend, Ben’s arms for comfort, and he’d probably say, “It’s okay, everything will be okay,” but I just wasn’t ready to hear those words from …show more content…
I also found out that there was some internal bleeding so the doctor wanted to take more tests to make sure the thing that was inside me was fine. As I the doctors took their taking test a part of me began to feel sick and guilty for wishing I would lose this thing growing inside me in the hopes of saving me from having to make the full conscious choice of killing it myself through abortion because I knew I didn’t want kids. I wish I could have let the doctor’s know how I felt, that the thing inside me didn’t matter to me, and in that moment I didn’t want to feel pain either, but I couldn’t say anything I was embarrassed and ashamed. I could only sit there in the pain of my injuries and sulk in my own misery while I went through uncomfortable test after test. Meanwhile my family and my best friend Christine are being check for their injuries and subscribed medications for their pain. They all seem to be in better shape than me which I am glad for, but the feeling of guilt has got its hold on me. I can only think if it wasn’t for me and this dumb ideas to go on “the ultimate family vacation” they wouldn’t be crushed up in my mess; Over and over again all I can repeat in my head is this is all my fault. When the six of us were finally …show more content…
I felt I had lost everything as reality started to really sink in for the worse and began settle in my mind, body, and soul. On that car ride home all I could think of was the list of everything bad that came from my whole journey on the road and it was miles long, from having just lost thousands of dollars to being pregnant. I had to find a way to deal with it all, I had to deal with the losses, I had to deal with all the responsibility, I had to figure out what to do next, I had to make the choice of keeping the child or not, and I had to deal with myself. When I finally arrived home and from the moment I was in the drive way slowly approaching my door I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was trying to be strong. I know that only I drive my life in the direction I need it to go and I make all the choices of where to turn, but I was driving in the dark, but eventually I noticed I could turn the headlights on to see my way through life