Your points are clear and concise. They support your thesis and create a sound argument. Additionally, you make frequent use of strong supporting evidence and integrate it smoothly into each paragraph. You need to focus your thesis more and make it more direct. Although the topic, the desensitization of the children, is there, it is surrounded by fluff that makes it difficult to pick out of the sentence. Try taking your main theme and turning it into a statement such as, “The children are desensitized,” then you have a clear argument and can from there add other necessary information. You struggle with repetition, but this is primarily because you allow certain concepts to straddle paragraphs. Do not overlap your paragraphs the information