Powerful Writing
** I will highlight each comment according to the above colours (and objectives).
5/8
I woke up, trying to, with my hands, search blindly for the alarm clock.
⎫ Varied range (highlight 1) – the student embeds “with my hands” into this sentence.
⎦ “With my hands” doesn’t flow, as it interrupts the main idea, making it unfit for this sentence. (Highlight 3)
⎦ Adverb: “blindly.” Adverbs modify/replace verbs: the more powerful-sounding word; as a result, this sentence lacks impact. (Highlight 2).
⎦ Generally speaking, the sentence contains clunky words, such as ‘trying to’ and ‘search blindly’, which writers will simplify. (Highlight 2 + 4)
Better sentence: 7/8. (It would score 7/8, not 8/8, because this sentence would require
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⎫ This sentence effectively varies sentence structure with a comma-based clause, instead of a clunky – and otherwise unnecessary – embedded clause. Doing so means the sentence is more fluent, with its main idea clearly expressed – and not interrupted. (Highlight 3)
⎫ Using the word “groping” makes the vocabulary more sophisticated and effective, whilst reducing the number of words from 14 to 8. (Highlight 2 + 4). This makes the forms of expression effective, as it is concise and to the point.
⎫ As such, the verb communicates all the key ideas – searching blindly and using hands – in a quick way. Good writers do this to respect the reader’s understanding of vocabulary, but also to communicate their point efficiently. Another point: “Trying to” is tentative, expressing uncertainty and failure. Yet again, this is featured in the verb’s definition. (Highlight 2)
From this lesson, you learnt:
- That precise verbs, rather than adverbs or vaguely described actions, positively impact the reader and increase concision.
- That sentence structure is about variety, but also fluency at the same time. In other words, use the most fluent type of sentence – often, this will be a clause